Things that matter most.

There are minutes that are divided by what feels like hours and there are days in life that seem to pass in the space of a heartbeat. I've realized that if I were to make a list of things that I hold close to me these days it wouldn't contain a thing that I actually own. No object in my life is so important that it cannot be replaced by something else it seems. What I find myself clutching to when I get weak are things that I cannot hold onto. Memories that made sense. Words that left imprints. Moments that shaped my soul so strongly I woke up the next morning knowing the very fingerprint of who I was had changed. When I sort back through these things it feels almost like blinking in and out of scenes from movies I used to know by heart but had fallen away from and forgotten. Falling from a rope swing and hearing my father's feet scramble on a gravel road toward me. Standing on the edge of an overlook in a Tennessee valley and wondering how long it took a rock to hit the ground. Laying in an old tire as it floated down a river in West Virginia and watching the dragonflies buzz above me. Clear sunny skies with just enough clouds. My best friend and I falling asleep in her twin sized bed that we shared with two dogs. That one night in Baltimore I drank far too much and felt like the music around me was a part of my body, my heartbeat lining up in time to the bass. Long mornings in coffee shops rolling cigarettes and playing chess, reading the paper and sitting across from someone and spending time together yet totally apart while the world buzzed around. Getting lost in the woods behind my town house, stumbling on a field full of yellow flowers and then never being able to find it again. I remember hands on my wrists. Fingertips sliding down my back and lips pressed to my forehead as I fell asleep. Screaming the words to my favorite songs in crowds of tens and tens of thousands. My feet on the dashboard while a station wagon flies down back country roads and the feeling of being somewhere between asleep and awake with just my fingertips touching the hand of the person lying next to me. Moments of such startling clarity  that they still feel real, true and echoing into the deepest parts of myself and breathing new life into me when I worry that my time for those moments is passed. The images and colors and shapes all seem to blur together until they become some kind of vast, unnamed universe that I hold inside my heart and bring with me wherever I go and take with me whenever I leave. It it breathtaking, and I'm not sure that this stab at vocalization can do justice to the way I know and feel these things, but for me they are real and they are true and they are important. And they are mine.

Updates and resolution.

I haven't been good about this site. And while the reasons for that are acceptable, I'm not sure that I'm okay with letting it continue.

Firstly, I moved to a new state. Hell, a whole new region. Virginia to Indiana, at the tail end of July. Then almost immediately I was teaching 9-12 hour days of band camp and began rehearsals with the dance company I am now in (www.mdtcompany.org), as well as tried to get my bearings and find some solid ground in this brand new town.

So now that things are calming, I am going to resolve to post here once a day. Something, anything. That's helpful for me.

Because last night I came to the realization that I'm spending a lot of my time giving what I have for other people's use, and it's wonderful and positive and functioning and great and all, but I need to carve something for myself that's mine right now, where I can put the parts of myself that need an outlet that is strictly mine and no one else's. Even if it's small, I need that much. So this little corner of the internet will be mine, once a day, however I see fit.

Which seems fair enough, I think. We'll see how this goes.

Trust

I spent some time today trying to write, but didn't come up with much of anything to show for it. That's how it goes, I guess. But in an effort to pass time I began sifting through old files and stumbled on some stuff I'd written a few years back. This is one of those. 

           His hands were dry and cold on my wrists, which were bony and strangled from the grip he held on with. My toes were planted firmly in the concrete edge of the trestle bridge. I stood straight ahead, eyes squeezed tightly shut. I knew the sky would be streaked red-gold and blue; clouds dividing the space in gradient color. But my eyelids cut off the pigment and doused my senses in cool, clear black. I squeezed tighter.

This was a bad idea. I could feel his palms start to sweat. Maybe this wasn’t as genius as we thought it’d be.  If he slipped a millimeter I’d be hurtling into the river below me.

I felt my pulse rise as I leaned forward, feeling hands on wrists cement their grip as I tilted out, a forty-five degree angle away from the edge, eyes shut, the breeze from the river pushing my hair off my forehead.  I felt him shift his weight away from me, then heard his boots digging into the gravel.

Trust, I heard him saying in my head. He’d done this with his brothers way back when. Before girls and college and careers resettled and reevaluated just how strong blood ties are. They’d come to the bridge and take turns hanging each other off, one boy to each arm of the trustee.

Rushing water down, down below me. His hands on my wrists. Cold, steady, still a little damp. I squeezed my eyes shut ever tighter. Shapes moved under my lids— inkblot cards shifting and sliding in and out of one another. My pulse still rising, breath caught in my chest, body rebelling its teetering position so far from safe ground— one man’s grasp the only substantial link that kept me from a fifty yard drop.

He said it always felt like you were flying— that after, he always felt more human. He said it gave him a bigger appreciation for his skin, his bones, the blood in his veins and the air in his lungs.

Carefully, I exhaled. Stretching my senses out and away to feel the space around me. I knew I couldn’t open my eyes to face it. Trees were rustling in the same breeze that’d flung my hair back. My arms and shoulders were stiff from keeping my body rigid enough to maintain contact with the trestle. My ribcage was pounding. If I didn’t fall to my death, I would either vomit or go into cardiac arrest.

 I hadn’t been feeling very human lately.

 Somewhere to my left a high whistle blew, close and maybe too close and too late. My toe slipped from the ledge to meet open air along with my left wrist. I felt him pull back hard on my right— I opened my eyes to the sound of a second whistle and saw the river down, down below me. Rocks stained pink by the setting sun, darker in pockets dampened by water.

My face collided with gravel, and his hands pressed me into the rocks as the train flew past us, the trestle shaking my bones, sending quakes through my nerves.  Grabbing a fistful of gravel I stared out over the water, not breathing until the train had passed.

In the stillness I inhaled quietly, tasting new air. 

“A thing is mighty big when time and distance cannot shrink it.”

 It’s 2am, and it seems like just an hour ago it was 10pm and I was heading to bed early. So much for that.

I have so much I want to write about, but how I am feeling right now is too overwhelming to veer away from it. So this will probably stay pretty on track.

I have had an unbelievable few weeks. Downright remarkable. And in the best ways. I spent July 1-12 touring the Midwest with two great Richmond bands- Shy, Low and Comrades- a good portion of whom happen to also be some of my best friends. The whole thing happened abruptly, all my friends were leaving town to tour and I was getting antsy about missing them with so little time left in RVA. Before I know it I’m climbing in the back of an early nineties Volvo station wagon and heading out on the road with them. That week and a half is still a blur, but it’s clear to me now why people love to live that way. So many moments of those 12 days are crystal clear in my head, and extraordinarily close to my heart.

I think at one point Ian, the bassist for Shy, Low, asked us a pretty echoing question while we stood on a rooftop in Chicago’s Wicker Park and watched fireworks go off in every direction around us as far as the eye could see. What he asked was simple, and rhetorical, but hit the nail square on the head:

“Do you ever just know that you’re experiencing something that you’re going to remember for the rest of your life?”

And that question completely explains everything I’ve been feeling both during and after tour.  It’s like I’m living my life with the red light on- trying to record as much as I can. Store it up. I’ve never felt like I’ve been inside such a fragile bubble of rose-tinted bliss.

I move in five days. I will pack every morning, teach every afternoon, and spend every evening I can in the company of the people I have left here that have affected me so deeply. One of them is still out on the road, as Shy, Low’s tour continued when Comrades and I came home. And I miss him like someone has removed a portion of my heart from my chest. On Saturday I will drive away from Richmond and I honestly believe that I will not be returning home. Maybe I’ll come back physically, but this place will cease to be to me what it has been all these years. In a lot of ways, Raleigh felt impermanent. Like my soul knew it would return before I really had time to miss it. And it was right. But my move to Indiana- my situation, my intention, all of it- is such a different animal than the one I was wrestling last December.

I am not going to miss this town. I’ve seen enough to know that a place is just a place. And it is not a city, but the people in it, that make it special to you. The friends I have here are the kind you cannot look for. You cannot find them through shared musical taste or moral convictions. While preferential similarities are nice, and lend to easy conversation and activities, this is not what has made my friendships here so strong. The people I have in Richmond who I call my friends have seen me grow and change- be it through almost a decade or just a single year- and have loved me, cared for me, and stood by me through all my mistakes and alterations. They have missed me when I’ve gone, been with me when I’ve returned, and held my hand through the darkest and brightest moments of my life. I have learned communication, trust, reliance, and most of all love from these friends. What ties us is a meeting of minds- of souls, even- and an echoing truth that in a world so full of deceit we can be honest and ourselves with one another. I have never had to hide from them, and I hope they’ve never felt they needed to hide from me. And these people are a small group- I can count them on one hand, easy. But their impact rocks me to my soul and reminds me every moment of every day how blessed I am to be graced with such unconditional and positive love. 

It’s not hard to leave Richmond, but it is hard to leave these relationships. In a lot of ways I’m used to having friends I need to say goodbye to- with how much I’ve traveled and the things I’ve done it’s a necessity. It’s easy to know that our friendships will not end but merely change shape. They’ll become friendships built on communication and phone calls and the occasional visit, not the drop-by-whenever and daily activities that they’ve been. And it is this change in the nature of our relationship that I’m dreading, because I adore what we have so much.  I hope it is not out of line to let you know that I will miss every day I do not see your face, hear your laughter, and participate in your daily life. I have not been lucky in life as to find many places I felt like I fit. In fact, most of my life has revolved around feeling out of step and unsure of how to feel at ease. But with you, I have found an unerring ability to be all of myself without feeling shame. You are the best people I know, and there will always be places in my heart that specifically hold your shapes.

I understand that without risk there cannot be a reward. But in this moment, at 2:45 AM, I cannot help but wish that by some magic I could have everyone and everything I love in one place. Because my passions lie elsewhere, but so many of the relationships that have helped me be strong enough to follow these opportunities are here. And while I live my life on a keen understanding that everything passes- that everything will always end up okay- I cannot think of much right now beyond how terribly I will miss you how badly I wish I didn’t have to. 

But it will be okay. Of that, at least, I am sure. This move is risky, but necessary. Because while my relationships here make me happy, my life away from them is a pretty dead-end road. The things I want to do and see are not here, and the biggest lesson I've learned this year is that the most important person I need to satisfy is myself. Leaving anything you love is hard, and there's been a lot of discussion of late about the taking of chances and the act of blind leaping without certainty of a net. I have opportunity that can lead to further opportunity where I'm going, and there are people there that I care about also and who are welcoming me into their lives with open arms. While picking up and changing everything isn't the easiest thing in the world, I know for certain that it is the difficult things that are the most worthwhile. And the goodbyes definitely scare me, but I'm looking forward to my next adventure-- and am exceptionally humbled and thankful for how much this last one has prepared me for it. Because I am ready to jump. 

So here goes nothing. 

xoxo

Subtlety

100 answers

Remember when these things were real big? Yeah, me too. I'm going way back to 2007 right here.

1. Are you young at heart, or an old soul? Old soul, no doubt. 
2. What makes someone a best friend? Being able to trust that they aren't withholding any judgement or opinion of you or your actions. Knowing that you could spend 10 years apart and act like it was only 10 minutes when you see them again.  
3. What Christmas present do you remember the most? An ex for christmas made me earrings once; the fact that he did that made an impression on me. 
4. Tell me about a movie/song/tv show/play/book that has changed your life. East of Eden by John Steinbeck. There's at least 10 different plots, 4 different generations, and an all encompassing reminder of the beautiful strength that is humanity- with all its flaws an ugliness. 
5. Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. I like my eyes. I dislike the shape of my body and my teeth. 
6. Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with? It would depend on the friend. 
7. What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection? Emotional connection. I've come to cultivate a physical attraction to someone because of our emotional connection. But the reverse has never happened. 
8. Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title. Almost anything starting with "National Lampoon's..." That doesn't have Chevy Chase as a main character. 
9. What holiday do you most look forward to? New Years Eve
10. How is the relationship between you and your parents? Rocky, but there is always love. 
11. You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on? Food Network
12. Name a song that never fails to make you happy. "Until You" by The Beatles
13. You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him. I look up to him a lot. 
14. Have you ever read the “missed connections” on Craigslist? Have you ever posted one, or wanted to? Yes I've read them, no I haven't. 
15. If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be? The Northwest, near the coast. I like cold and I like mountains and I like the ocean. 
16. Can money buy happiness? No, but it can decrease the stress that makes happiness hard. 
17. Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not? Yes, yes, yes. Because I've understood for a long time how to do things in moderation without destroying my life or my body. You don't have to completely limit yourself to protect yourself necessarily. 
18. Is there anyone close to you that you know you can’t trust? You don’t have to give names. To a degree. But it's more that I know what I can and cannot trust with them. 
19. Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid? Maymont Park
20. Have you ever spent a night in the hospital? No
21. Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people? I'm not myself in a big group, unless I'm somehow very close with all of them. So the first option. 
22. Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to? My parents listen to Jimmy Buffet. I listen to almost anything. Except a lot of Jimmy Buffet. 
23. Have you ever been bullied? Have you ever bullied anyone else? Yes, I was bullied a lot in elementary school. And I know that I have been unkind to people who haven't always deserved it, and I feel bad because it was only out of my own weakness and insecurity. 
24. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup
25. If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship? It would depend on their reasons for wanting that, because the motivation alone for a choice like that (if it's personal, religious, etc) could raise some interesting issues that could affect our dynamic. But I'm not opposed to waiting, I think that in a lot of ways it probably helps a couple remember what a relationship of that depth is really meant to be about. 
26. Do you believe in a god? I am open minded to God but have yet to establish a personal relationship with them. 
27. Of all the social networks in the world, do you use Tumblr? Nope
28. What’s your favorite social networking site? Pinterest
29. Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?” Yes
30. Name a TV series you didn’t enjoy until after it ended. I know it's not done but I watch every season a year late- Mad Men. 
31. Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial? No
32. If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you? As long as I could still get places, sure. 
33. If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say? I would go back to that one night last summer and tell myself just to kiss the boy, because I wouldn't get another chance and the reasons I didn't were null anyway. 
34. What’s your “quirkiest” habit? I click my teeth in tempo with music while I dance. 
35. What is “normal?” Are you normal? Normal is a mirage and no I am not. 
36. Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer? No. Everyone had their time, and 10 lives for 10 years is not an okay trade. No matter what. 
37. What is one thing you could never forgive? Long, sustained infidelity. 
38. Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single? In a relationship. 
39. Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends?  Definitely. 
40. Where do you and your friends go to hang out? Around Bon Fires. 
41. Write the first paragraph of your obituary. No way, too depressing. 
42. What is the best TV theme song ever? Doug, I hum it at least 3 times a week. 
43. When you were young, what would you dream you would be when you grew up? An archeologist in Egypt. I still wouldn't mind that. 
44. When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked? Pantsless for sure. 
45. What gets you out of bed in the morning? Whatever I have to do that day. And coffee. 
46. Do you want to have more friends than you have right now? No, I just want good people around. If I find more of those I won't complain, but I like what I have. 
47. What part of the past year sticks out in your mind? Moving to Raleigh, The week I visited Indiana and decided to move, but most of all September 10-12. 
48. You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week (after taxes) for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job? Yes. I like teaching color guard. 
49. Could you be in a long-distance relationship? If you’re in one, what makes yours work? I was in one for about 2 years. And I think they can would with trust, honesty, and communication from each party. Mine lacked all three on his end, so it didn't work. I doubt I could be in one again. 
50. What’s the best route to your heart? Making me feel comfortable with you, and having patience. And laughter.  
51. Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life? Yes, it's odd. 
52. What is your favorite sport? Color Guard, har har. I do like soccer though. 
53. What has been troubling you lately? Immature and dramatic individuals. 
54. Did you enjoy your high school prom? If you didn’t go, why not? I went, it was boring. My dress was cute. 
55. What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning? I try to marry the two. 
56. Do you know what makes you happy? Feeling like I'm needed and that I'm apart of something greater than myself. Having people I can rely on and whom I can make happy. Doing things with my hands on a daily basis. Having someone I care about enough to want to say good morning to. Knowing where I stand and what my purpose is.  
57. Tell me about the last book you read. The Fall Back Plan. It's like a modern Catcher in The Rye about a girl who just left college and had to move home. 
58. What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? I'm not really sure it's the compliment that matters but the person it comes from. Because all it really takes is one person saying "You're fucking incredible"
59. Who was your first crush? This kid Josh. I was 4. 
60. Do you believe that there is life on other planets? I watch Ancient Aliens like it's a job. Duh. 
61. Predict what your life will look like a year from now. Hopefully I'll be sleeping on a bus somewhere. 
62. Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended. I want to know how it began. It began with a lot of kind words, a whole lot of laughter, and a handful of extraordinary handmade postcards. It began like a dream, and I don't know a single period of my life where I was happier than I was those few months. 
63. Where is your favorite place to go out and eat? Recently I'm big on Kitchen 64. Sweet Potato Fries. 
64. What is something you want to change about your current situation? No, because nothing about my current situation is permanent. 
65. Early bird or night owl? It depends!
66. Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to? My baby blanket. 
67. Give me an unpopular opinion you have. I'm not really sure if I have an unpopular opinion- everyone's got supporters and haters. I think abortion should be legal? I dislike America's foreign policy? I don't like green peppers?
68. What was the last song that was stuck in your head? Goyte- Somebody that I used to know. 
69. Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you want. In my parent's house in Richmond, until July 20. At which point I won't really live anywhere until I figure my shit out in Fort Wayne. 
70. Do you believe in giving kids medals and trophies for participation? They can have a medal for participating and a bigger medal if they win. Because half the fun in showing up but competition is healthy too. 
71. What was the longest car ride you’ve ever taken? Probably that 14 hour one on tour. 
72. Have you ever taken part in a protest? Yes
73. Would you ever use an online dating service? I used POF once and it was weird. 
74. What is your ethnic heritage? Irish, British, French. 
75. Describe a person that inspires you. A friend of mine who makes their way how they need to to survive and be happy, has found a soul-deep, forever kind of love, and lives their life open to new possibility and full of laughter and love for the people around them. A friend who takes heart in simplicity and strength in honest relationships. 
76. If you earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you? yes. 
77. Do you believe in luck? yes
78. Describe the last time you were very angry at someone. Saturday, and I was shaking. 
79. Do you want to live until you’re 100? Sure! And I hope I can blow out all the candles. 
80. Do people change? If so, how do you keep a relationship together when both of you start to change? Yes people change. And you'll either grow apart, together, or just stay the same. You can't force something, and if your relationship changes when you do it doesn't make what you had less important. 
81. Have you ever risked a friendship by telling someone you liked them? Yes. 
82. Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends? That would have to depend on my mood, frankly. But probably the first, usually. 
83. Do you practice what you preach? I try so hard. 
84. If you take precautions to stay safe, do you ultimately act more recklessly? No. 
85. What do you value more in a significant other: Attractiveness or intelligence? Intelligence. 
86. Are you hard-headed? Yes. 
87. Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate? Totally. 
88. When have you felt most alive? Performing. 
89. Would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains? A city in the mountains. 
90. Do you often skip breakfast? No
91. How do you know what true love is? I can only imagine that it is the feeling of looking at someone when you first wake up and not wanting to move else risk ending that moment. And then feeling that way every morning you wake up, every day. But I won't know what it really is until I'm lucky enough to really feel it. 
92. Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die? No. I wouldn't want to live with that over my head. 
93. Where is “home” for you? I'm not quite sure yet. I have many places that feel almost like "home" but nothing to say I know of for sure. 
94. What song best describes your life right now?  "Thistle and Weeds" Mumford & Sons
95. Do you want to be perfect? No. nononononononononono. No. 
96. What have you never tried, but would really like to someday? What’s holding you back? Skydiving. Money. 
97. How do you express your creativity? However I feel inclined. Sometimes I'll draw or paint. Usually I write. 
98. Describe your neighborhood. Leave it to beaver. 
99. Name something you only liked because it was popular. Glitter Jeans when I was 7. 
100. Give me the story of your life in six words. ...But it's a secret :)